Secrets in a marriage

Secrets in marriage

Should you keep your past a secret from your spouse?

We all have our dirty little secrets. Skeletons in the closet. Maybe a questionable past. But how much of that do you keep from your spouse? Are Secrets allowed in your marriage? Or do you require full disclosure?

I’m sure we can all agree that there are some things that should NOT be kept a secret. Especially those things that will directly affect your marriage or the trust of your spouse.


Prior to meeting my husband Jose, I was in a relationship with a man for four years. He was the type of person that wanted full disclosure from me, but was not always willing to give the same. In fact, me not disclosing everything from my past nearly ended our relationship within its first year.Secrets

From that point forward I knew that in order for our relationship to work I would have to give full disclosure of my past. No matter how uncomfortable it made me. And believe me a lot of it did make me very uncomfortable.

There are plenty of things in each of our pasts that have molded us to become the people we are today. Things we have done and things that have been done to us. Even if there was something that you simply observed in your past that had an affect on you, it changed something in you and made you the person you are now. But how much of that are you willing to tell your partner? How much do you want to know about them?

My husband and I used to really enjoy a show called “Baby Daddy”, about a young man who unknowingly got a girl pregnant and had the baby dropped on his doorstep. In one episode one of the characters, “Danny”, is asked by his girlfriend if he had been with a particular girl in the past. At the time “Danny” doesn’t recall being with the girl although they went to school and grew up together. Later on he remembers that they had a very short lived fling years prior and comes clean to his girlfriend. The girlfriend calls him a liar and breaks up with him stating that she can’t trust him.

Granted this is a TV show and meant to be dramatic, but how many times has this happened in real life? You find out something from your boyfriend/girlfriend’s past that you don’t like and you fly off the handle. Or the opposite. They find out something about you and flip out!

A balance is necessary.

In order for there to be peace with each other’s past, you need to agree on what details should be shared and what should be kept to yourself.

In my case, I don’t mind hearing about any of the women my husband had been with before me. But in no way will I ever ask him “how many” or any personal details about that area of his life. I know it happened. I know I’m not the first woman in his life and we will leave it at that. If he chooses to share a story for anecdotal purposes then I will definitely listen but never pry. Why? He’s not comfortable sharing and he doesn’t want to hear about my past either.

That’s where the balance comes in. We agree that to share a story about an experience is one thing. But to give an abundance of detail or to reminisce about certain parts of our past is unhealthy to our marriage.

For the characters of “Baby Daddy”, full disclosure of the past was a desirable trait and necessary to the girlfriend in order to maintain a healthy relationship.

In my previous relationship full disclosure of one’s past was off balance. I was fine keeping certain things from my past, in the past, and my ex was not. In order to maintain that balance, one of us had to bend.

People can change. And our image of people can also change.

We have a tendency to change our feelings about a person when there is a character change.

Whether the change is mentioned from the past or observed in the present. Something changed in them and it’s difficult to disconnect. For example, a person I dated reveled to me that he had committed a crime in his youth. Not some petty crime either. He blew up someone’s car! There was drug and gang activity connected to this crime. While he didn’t seem like the type of person who could do something like this, and the incident occurred many years before, it still changed the way I looked at him. He was now a criminal in my eyes. Someone who was capable of so much more than I thought he was. From that moment on my trust in him decreased and my fear of him increased.

I’m not saying that my response to hearing about his past was right, but it is common.

If you found out that your significant other had cheated on someone in the past. Or that once upon a time they stole from a store, did drugs, carried an unexpected weapon, or any number of things, would it change the way you see them? Trust them? Love them? Or would be able to accept that this is part of the past that molded them into the person you now love and care for?

How much do you want/need to know about your partner’s past? If you are like my ex and the characters from “Baby Daddy”, then you absolutely need to share that with your partner. Make sure they are on board and are willing to share and to hear what you share. Consider sitting down and doing a “deep dive” into each others history.  This is a healthy, as long as both of you are ready to share and hear. However, this takes a lot of maturity and acceptance.

If you are like me and my husband and choose not to share details, make sure your partner knows why. Most people will hear you say you want to keep your past in the past and assume you’re hiding something. While for some that may be very true, for others it’s just a matter of privacy. Not every detail needs to be shared. Only the details that will directly effect you as a person and your relationship as a whole. Many of the stories we choose to keep to ourselves are for both of our benefit. He doesn’t want to share and I don’t want to know. But there is a mutual understanding as to what and why we don’t share.

To be clear, I do not condone lying or keeping important information from your spouse.

Once married, you should be completely honest and up front about everything to maintain a healthy marriage. What you and your spouse choose to share is up to you. But be sure you are both on the same page.


What do you think? Do you share everything or keep your past to yourself? Share your experience.

Pregnancy is EXHAUSTING!

Pregnancy = fatigue

Exhaustion is an understatement during pregnancy.

Pregnancy = fatigue

As mom’s we understand that every pregnancy is different. The one thing that never changes is how exhausting it is to create life. Your body goes through so many changes over the course of 9 months and it feels like we never really get a break.

Don’t get me wrong, I love every one of my kids and I’d go through it all again in a heartbeat.  But the extent of the exhaustion is something they really don’t warn you about.

1st Trimester of Pregnancy –

Congratulations! You just found out you’re pregnant and can’t wait to start feeling all the little flutters and kicks and experience everything that motherhood brings. But around week 5-6… BAM! You’re flat on your tail and can’t stay awake to save your life!

Oh and there’s also this terrifying thing that happens. We have all been told that bleeding during pregnancy is generally a bad sign. Around this same time that your energy is being completely drained from your body, you will probably have some light spotting.

GREAT! Blood when you’re not expecting or prepared for anything of this nature for the next 9 months. Here’s the good news. As scary as this is, it is completely NORMAL. Yes! Promise. Having spotting around 5-7 weeks is generally because the placenta is implanting itself to your uterine wall. This is a good thing. We want that to happen. We just don’t want to have the panic of thinking there is a possibility of a miscarriage or anything else going wrong.

I’m on my 4th pregnancy and I went through this scare EVERY SINGLE TIME! I know what it was. I knew why I was bleeding. BUT it’s still terrifying to see and not have a guarantee that implantation is the cause of the bleed.

During your first trimester all you’re going to want to do is sleep. And if you’re like me, you will take advantage of every quiet moment.  (And even some not so quiet moments) Sometimes you just fall asleep in the middle of doing something.

Your baby is going though more changes now then it will for the rest of it’s existence. This requires a lot of energy usage in order to build the cells and organs and everything it takes to properly develop. And since the baby doesn’t have it’s own energy source yet, it is going to take it all from you. You are it’s only source of energy until birth. So take care of yourself and allow yourself to rest. It’s good for both of you.

In addition to wanting to sleep every second of the day, you may also be experiencing some nausea.

Some pregnancies are better, some worse when it comes to nausea. I was not able to eat anything but mashed potatoes for the entire first trimester! I tried to eat other things… but it didn’t stay down. (Yay! Cause I have the energy to vomit. I’m going to pass out now.)

Even the smell of cooking food would cause severe nausea and occasional vomiting. So, not only was I being drained dry of every bit of energy I naturally had, but I couldn’t manage to replace it with the necessary fuel. (Food)

This utter exhaustion does pass and eventually you do get your energy back a little bit. But not until your second trimester.

2nd Trimester of Pregnancy-

This is the most comfortable portion of your entire pregnancy. Your little baby is getting comfortable and is now well established in your womb. Everything is all set up and hopefully you are able to eat and sleep a little more like you used to.

You’ll still feel tired, but not as bad as before. After all, you’re still building a tiny human inside your body. That requires a lot of energy. Even though it’s not a conscious exertion, there is still plenty of effort being put into growing this baby.

The growth rate of baby is not as rapid during the second trimester and quite possibly why you aren’t as completely zonked all the time anymore.

We do have a new set of symptoms to introduce though. Such as, round ligament pain. UGH!

This is a side effect of your uterus growing and adjusting for baby. According to , “The round ligament supports the uterus and stretches during pregnancy.  It connects the front portion of the uterus to the groin. These ligaments contract and relax like muscles, but much more slowly.”

Putting it bluntly…THEY SUCK! It’s tight, very painful and makes normal functions quite difficult.

This is also the time where all the good things start to happen though.

During your second trimester you’ll feel more regular kicks and movements of the baby. You won’t have to use the bathroom quite as much (for now), and you might even be having some fun food cravings.

Hooray for the second trimester! The redeemer of pregnancy struggles.

3rd Trimester of Pregnancy

Welcome  back to exhaustion and nausea. At least in my case. With all 4 pregnancies my nausea and exhaustion returns around the middle of the 3rd trimester. But how it comes is different than in the 1st trimester.

All the baby’s organs are in place and practicing what they’ll be doing outside of the womb. They need lots of practice while in there because there’s no going back.  (Oops, not so good at this breathing thing yet. Let me go back in and practice some more till I’m ready to try again. -Baby)  But now all they have left to do is practice living and getting fatter.

Your baby will gain most of it’s weight during the last trimester which means you have to feed it well. How do you do this? You eat! And eat! And eat!

But for the sake of yourself and the baby, try to eat the good stuff. Fruits and veggies, lean protein, and lots of water. While you are eating for 2, that does not mean you should eat 2 full meals. You’re eating for 1 full size human (you), and one tiny size developing human (baby). Baby doesn’t need a full steak dinner!

Here’s the thing though. Baby is taking up space in your belly so the amount of food you can consume at one time is less than usual. AND if you don’t consume enough calories for both of you….baby is going to take their share first!

(See, we start giving up everything for our children before they’re even born. )

This is a contributing factor to the fatigue we feel during this trimester. You can only eat so much at a time and if you don’t eat enough, baby gets their portion first and leaves you with whatever fuel is left. This is another reason to eat the right things.

There is also the fact that you are carrying around a lot more weight than your body is used to. Even if you have been overweight, this isn’t the same. You grew a 6-8lb human in your body in 9 months and have had to carry it around 24/7 . That is not an easy feat. And it’s not evenly distributed throughout your body. It’s ALL in your belly!

But it’s not just baby in there. You’re carrying baby, placenta and all that water. The average weight gain during pregnancy will vary depending on your body but generally ranges from 20-40 EXTRA POUNDS you are carrying with you all the time.

Ask your husband to carry a 30 lb sack of flour on the front of his body for 24 hours without putting it down at all. Not fun. Very tiring. But this is part of what we do.

Then there is always the actual sleep factor.  I don’t know about the rest of you mommy’s out there, but I can’t get comfortable at all at night. Nothing I do matters. Lay on my left, restless legs. Lay on my right, groin pain. Try putting a pillow between my knees, no relief. Sleep on my back…yeah right. Baby crushes your organs and spine.

And it’s not easy to move to any different positions anyway. It takes many small movements in order to go from my left side to my right. So once you’re there you hope you can make it work so you don’t have to go through that adjustment again.

And let’s not forget that with baby taking up all that space in your belly, your bladder is smaller and can’t hold out as long. So you end up waking in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. More interruptions to your already inconsistent uncomfortable sleep.

Relief will come!

Once you have the baby everything changes. You’ll still be tired but it’s because your baby needs you. Diaper changes and feedings every 2 hours. Breastfeeding is exhausting and very uncomfortable in the beginning but so rewarding.

And just keep in mind that you will now be able to nap when your baby naps. Which is a lot in the beginning. Even a 20 min power nap will help.

All the pain and discomfort, exhaustion and nausea is worth it. But don’t ever let anyone tell you that pregnancy is easy. The easiest of pregnancies is still exhausting. And worth every second. 🙂

What was your pregnancy like? Did you experience anything like me? Are you pregnant now and I just freaked you out with my horror? Share your thoughts and your prego story in the comments. I’d love to hear how everyone else managed their pregnancies.


(*This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you click on one of the product links, I’ll receive a percentage of the purchase price.*)

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